"Hello, this is nine-one-one, what is the nature of your emergency?"
"Ohmigod, he's killing her!"
"I'm sorry, sir, we are an emergency call center. For matters of faith, please consult your local church, synagogue, temple, channeler, healer, psychic or shaman. I can connect you to the Greater Arizona Faith Resource Center, if you like."
"No! I'm the host as Ruined Bluff Campground, and there is a man here killing his girlfriend."
"I see.... Is this act being committed on National Forest grounds?"
"Yes, you idiot, I said-"
"Sir, verbal abuse of emergency operators is a misdemeanor in the state of Arizona."
"I'm sorry, but this guy is killing a woman on the picnic table!"
"I thought you said it was on the ground, sir."
"No, I said "grounds"... Why could that possibly matter... send HELP!"
"Sir, in order to dispatch an officer from the correct office, I have to have enough information to understand the situation. Is that a National Forest picnic table, or one owned by the City of Mensa?"
"Oh, Lord-! HE'S CUTTING HERE TO PIECES!!!"
"Sir, remain calm. Screaming at me will not help. Now... is he using an axe or knife, or is it a meat saw?"
"WHAT?"
"If he is using a meat saw, that would be practicing as a meat cutter without proper county certification, and we will be right out there to fine him and confiscate his tools."
"Are you insane!?!?"
CLICK!
"Mensa Department of Mental Health, how can I direct your call?"
"I was online with the police-"
"One moment-"
"No, wait-!"
(Muzak)
(Muzak, with intermittent sounds of a chainsaw)
(Dial tone)
No comments:
Post a Comment
While I appreciate and welcome commentary related to my posts, any spammers or trolls will be hunted to the farthest corners of the Internet, where I will get medieval on the offending poster with pliers and a blowtorch.